Fix What's Broken FIRST.

I've been so contemplative lately, and for good reason.
I haven't been doing anything but homework, working out and thinking for the past week.
Finals are killing me - that's what I get for slacking.
Not to mention I'm super stressed out, in Iraq...I have to remind myself because sometimes I forget I'm in a war zone because I have it really easy right now.

First, for those of you that follow this blog - I am sorry. I'm not one of those hippity-hoppity, bubbly bloggers. Just won't happen - not here anyways. I'm OFF on ANOTHER PLANET - I'm the analyzer, and I like to dig a little bit deeper because I really believe you have to fix what's broken on the inside FIRST before you try changing the outside. That's what this blog is for me - it's my voice. It's the things I'm thinking that I don't talk about - because this journey, is all mine - and I chose to share it with you. The world. I don't chose to share it with many of those around me because I really feel like NOBODY can understand us women who share this DREAM of standing on that stage, defying the odds, and LIVING the example. Not only that, but the judgement - the riddicule, the gossip...none of that is worth having in MY life.

And so be it - the birth of a blog.

Now, the journey starts with one step.
and continues by putting one foot in front of the other
with each and every decision, you move closer - or you move back - or you stop and stare.
I have stumbled, and stalled...and walked backwards forever until now.

I'm not sure if I really know the WHY - the reason for my stagnation, but I did know one thing when I started. When I became ready for this journey, I would know it. I would know it in my being, in all that I am. For anyone that thinks the road to competition is one of following a structured guideline, and being a guinea pig for a coach - I feel bad for them. The sheer power that transforming your body can do - it can make you, or break you if you let it. If you compete, and you don't know it in your bones that you want to continue - wait until that moment, like love at first sight...that you just know.

It took me 3 years to fix what's broken inside me. 3 years of roller coaster weight, different coaches, and different "excuses" - but those excuses, looking back now - was the universe saying "she's not ready". It takes more than just eating like a rabbit and going to the gym. It's all in the mind - the willpower, the serenity, the control and the passion - they all have to be there for anyone to succeed. I never started on this journey to be the best possible version of myself simply to just "lose some weight" - it's a complete transformation, from the weak-willed, insecure, uncomfortable and depressed girl I used to know into a woman who is strong, inside and out and who is confident, knowledgeable and happy and most of all - ready.

I wrote this in my own journal, but the deep down reason for not getting there (wherever that is) by now is because I never gave myself permission. I never allowed myself the opportunity to let go of the years as a chubby child, I never let go of the fat girl and gave permission for the fit girl to take over. I started on this road years ago when I was with my ex - who thought girls with muscle were gross, and who weighed only 130# himself. I'll never forget feeling so alone - and it drove me so far into my own messed up thinking, that if I did this - and followed through, nobody would ever love me - simply because he didn't love me the way I was, and sure as hell wouldn't for becoming the person I wanted to be. My husband, the one person who loved me way back then - was the only person that supported me 110% in any goals that I had. No matter how crazy I got, and how fickle I was - he always told me to keep going, but in my head I was still living in that corner of my mind - I had made myself believe that I really don't deserve it, and had conned myself into thinking I could never do it because I wasn't strong enough, and that something was broken and would never be repaired.

When all along, it was me.

I would try to be so perfect, then one slip up would send me into a downward spiral. I never gave myself permission to make mistakes. I did all the research for years, I knew what each macro nutrient does and could recite what amino acids do what, but I never gave myself permission to trust my own instincts. So, I hired coaches who I thought would take me from zero to hero with their master plans and formulas, not realizing I have what it takes simply because I never gave myself permission to be knowledgeable. I never, not once - allowed myself to think that I could possibly do it without the help of a "guru" but deep down inside, I wanted the pride of doing it all on my own. I never got out of my own way, and just followed what I know - instead of what I plan, then change, then plan again.

I never said "you can do it - because you WANT to" - I always thought "I made this goal - so I have to do it, because if I don't - well I'll be all talk just like everyone else."

I think deep down, I was afraid to NOT be like everyone else.
I'm soooo not like everyone else.

Saying that takes me back to first grade - seriously, I remember. I was the kid who won every single award at the end of the school year. Not even kidding - I was little miss perfect, for the simple fact that I loved learning. Total nerd, to this day. I remember getting the final award, "student of the year" and when I came back to sit on the bleachers heard a group of MY friends saying that I was a "teachers pet" so of course I got it - instead of being happy for me. I guess it's a natural human emotion, jealousy...but at 1st grade, for someone to remember that - it was my last year at that school, and my last year being myself. Move on to a new school, and try to fit in - easier said than done, but being mediocre wasn't my thing, and it didn't change whether people liked me or not. I just wanted to be accepted, and I had friends - but they didn't like ms. popular. I should have known. Be dumb, be popular...and get enemies. So, lesson learned. Years later, after being smart got me no friends, and being dumb got me too many - I go the bitch route. Total, complete, stuck up beyotch. Wayy harder to fake, but at least I didn't have any friends - and I could be my normal self with my close friends, everyone hated me - collectively. So, when you're trying to be a complete twat, but you're 100% witty, sarcastic nerd on the inside - when you have a boyfriend who is your polar opposite...it's really hard to be around them, let alone live with them (biggest mistake ever). What better way to travel down the long dark road of some serious depression? All alone - right where I landed myself. Looking back now, why did I feel like I needed to be accepted. I just wanted to be liked for who I was, but nobody likes the person they want to be at that age - I could have been a Harvard graduate if I didn't feel the need for acceptance...but who knows that in 1st grade?

It wasn't until I met my husband that I could be myself - honestly, I don't know how I would have made it through that time in my life without him. He let me BE me, he let me be nerdy, taught me how to relax and accept things as they are, he taught me that I can be myself - and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, as long as I am the one whose happy. I never thought I'd be married at 24, happily married to say the least - but I got so lucky, so soooo lucky. 

Here I am now, slowly but surely...returning to who I am, and allowing myself - friends or no friends - to accomplish my goals, and be the person that I want to be. A person I can look back on when I'm old a gray and say "damn, I had a hell of a time...and had a hell of a body" I value health the way most people value religion, because I know I have a limited time on this earth. We are blessed with free will, and emotions that animals cant perceive. We are so lucky to share in the human experience, I want mine to be as long as possible. If I can do that by staying healthy, well hot damn I will - and if getting on stage in a tiny bikini and heels is what will be a memorable moment in my life, then it's what I will do and I will allow myself to do it.

It's taken 14 years to realize what was broken - 14 years to see with new eyes, the person I can become.

It's never too late to live your dream, so fix what's broken first....and then go after it. Don't try to hide because you'll unravel....and when you do, it may be too late.