No...excuses?

Hope everyone's 4th of July was as exciting as mine (see above ^^)

Everything in this hott desert is going the same as it did yesterday, with the exception of me finally buckling down to do homework and getting to the gym after 2 days off of excuses.

I know, I know...didn't we talk about this already.

I've had a crazy couple of days, for excuse #1. For #2, I've just been tired...but here, I'm always tired. So that shouldn't be an excuse.

I made a promise to myself to start working on my DISCIPLINE.
Now, for a little lesson thanks to dictionary.com

DISCIPLINE is an activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill
another addition to that is
training, whether physical, mental, or moral

Yes.

This is my purpose here. Physical, mental, moral and spiritual training. I am NOT very disciplined, and haven't been - EVER. I said it. It feels good to get it off my chest, but I WANT to be disciplined. I want to be strong in ALL aspects of my being. I WANT to be consistently good at LIVING my life the way I want to, and not just dreaming and thinking "I wish I would do that..."

It seems so silly to think that all this time I've been living in my head, layered by my insecurities, my emotions, and my fear of judgement that I have purposefully trapped myself in this asylum of "I wish". It's not who I FEEL like I am deep down inside.

There's a person who I let into my life, who betrayed me in that sense. The story is, he made himself look like someone he wasn't - told me everything I wanted to hear, to believe that he was going to change his life around and become somebody that someday others would look up to. Well, he made ME believe that he was positive, motivated, honest and dedicated - only to my dismay, did after things fall through did I see that I was just a pawn in his game of chess. He used me, and my husband to get what he wanted - and bounced. The sad thing is, the whole time he was pretending to be someone he's not - it never dawned on him that those little lies, add up to bigger ones, then it takes bigger lies to cover them up. He never stopped to BE the person he was talking about, and will sadly...probably never become the person he wants to be the most.

I DON'T want to be that, and although my way of living is much different - I still feel like I'm in a struggle to be the person I want to become. There's this Buddhist way of thinking that says to take the path of least resistance, that when it's right....it's like water flowing down a stream, completely effortless. I KNOW I create this struggle by RESISTING these wishes that I have. I am creating the resistance by making excuses, and ignoring my true desires. It's not that we're not cut out for it because it's difficult....it's simply that we sometimes get in our own way to avoid the present action versus the future outcome. Now, granted...I believe if you don't love what you're doing - then the goal probably isn't in your best interest but now that I've come this far...I love it.

It's such a warm, happy feeling inside when I step in the gym - and leave all the stress of deploying, and all the anxiety that comes with it at the door. I feel like superwoman in the gym, and my only kryptonite is my fat alter ego who wants the instant gratification of defeating my fit self.  

Oh, the joys of blogging your feelings and thoughts on the internet for all to see. Hopefully, this helps someone. Can I get an AMEN?

Onto other things, the whole point of no excuses came from the fact that I will probably end up working a few 15 and 16 hour days in the near future. Talk about CRAPPY...because at this point in the game, I'm having a hard time functioning on less than 6 hours of sleep. I thought about it, and only let myself mull over it for a good hour or so...and then thought...I can let it make, or break me. 

The choice is mine. 

I can say "well, I didn't sleep...so I'm tired...because I'm tired, I won't workout...and because I didn't workout, I can cheat on my diet...and because I cheated, well I guess I'll feel guilty."


OR I can say "well, I didn't sleep...and although I'm tired, I know getting to the gym will make me feel better...and because I worked out, I'm going to eat healthy and maintain this discipline...and thanks to staying on track, I won't have to feel guilty about it...and I can always get more sleep...on the plane ride home (in a few months lol)"

In essence, I am rewiring my brain and looking at it as an opportunity to EXCEED instead of thinking I'm DOOMED to failure. It's amazing what a little perspective can give you.

Hopefully all this "perspective" will give me a body like hers (too bad body rock TV is BANNED too - thank you military for severely limiting my INSPIRATION due to "provocative attire"...)!

Luckily I have the common sense to know that those abs don't come without busting bootey in the gym, and eating clean...99.9% of the time. Goodbye Oreo's and helloooo carrot sticks - I say this with joy.