For real?

Don't worry...this isn't another muffin story!!

Yesterday was rough. I was at work, crabby and bored - and had a ton of homework I pushed to the back-burner. I just "felt" like I had to get my mind right - but I didn't know how. I lose focus too easily - I'm like a 5 year old with a new toy, and the new toy being my body...I wasn't seeing instant results, so I got bored with it.
I haven't been cheating on my diet, haven't gorged myself on any muffins...but I just wasn't feeling 100%. So, I chalked it up to a poop day, and that was that. I walked home in the 117 degree heat, and said - I'll just go to bed.
Well, I got in my room and stripped down into my undies and got my camera. DON'T WORRY..you can keep reading...
I bought a cheap powershot for like 50$ just for progress pictures here, and decided...today's the day. Lets look at this house I've built.
I prepared to be disappointing - I have not been 100% consistent, but have been right between compliance and almost off the wagon.
So, I set the timer and snapped away.
Loaded them onto my computer....
and almost cried.

I am still awestruck by my pictures.

I did my figure poses, which I have DOWN - and saw the definition in my legs. People, this is SERIOUS. I have HATED my legs since I was 10. I've always had strong quads, but my legs have never looked smooth - I just always thought they were gross. After 14 years of thinking that you hate your legs, it's kind of hard to believe you'll ever APPRECIATE them. All the hard work, and torment I have put them through - and they carry me around. My poor legs - I'm sorry for not loving you. I saw QUADS, like HELLO QUADS.

I looked at my front pose, and saw shoulders. There's such a change in my back (bye bye dreaded back fat), and boy oh boy...I have quite a shape.

I was truly awestruck by my body, and completely overjoyed with the progress.

Thats when I got bit.

The past few months, I've pushed it out of my head and tried to convince myself that I don't want to be a PRO. I tried and tried, and tried to stay away from just thinking about it. I can't. I'm obsessed with this goal, and I feel like....it's finally within reach. I didn't think I had the discipline, or the drive to "get there" - but that little spark of hope, that with hard work...it really DOES pay off.

Well, in simple terms - I am hooked.


Not only that but after surfing body space - I found 

Kassandre Harper-Cotton

Seriously, her transformation and   dedication is the most inspiring I have ever seen

You guys really need to check her out - I know you'll get sucked in like I did.

I feel the power in me, and no - it's not gas. lol
I have found it, finally - and all this time it's been right there. In my legs.

Muffin of DOOM

Somebody.Help.Me.

Double chocolate chip muffins...the store bought, plant made, artificial kind. The ones that can last through a nuclear winter and taste AMAZING are calling my name. I learned my lesson about these though. They're evil - evil and DELICIOUS! I so so want one...but I just can't.

Arnold wouldn't be ARNOLD if he gave into every muffin temptation. Actually, I don't think muffins have the same effect on him as they do us mere mortals. Either way, he just wouldn't - the reasons don't matter.

Not everyone can be Mr.Olympia a zillion times over, but they CAN overcome temptation and stop that sweet tooth right in it's tracks all by exercising the powers of the mind.

The temptation was SO hardcore - I grabbed my little journal that I keep with me, and jotted it down. This was step one. I AKNOWLEDGED the want. I want a muffin - the chocolate insta-heaven one.

It wasn't successfull, so I thought...alright, I'll chew some gum. It wasn't until I noticed myself grinding my teeth like a drug addict that I realized I may just need HELP. LOL.... The gum didn't do anything but give me some funky tasting breath. Yes, gum. A mix of kiwi and coffee is not so good. 30 minutes away from meal time I caved - and ate my meal early. I HAD TOO...

I would have dived face first into those muffins, unwrapping them and stuffing them in my face until the point of no return.

I aknowledged the want, and found the fix. Not only was I somewhat hungry, but I was bored too. See what happens when you get bored!? This is just like sitting in front of the TV eating a bag of chips. The hand just keeps going and going, shoveling them in. Next thing you know, there's a whole bag of chips missing...and it's sitting in your lap.

Do I still want the muffin? Yep but, I know that acting like a child and throwing a mental hissy fit isn't going to do any good. It's the mental olympics up in here with how I was trying to JUSTIFY having a crack crap-filled muffin.

So I got real honest with myself and said,
"HEY! YOU!"

"Go ahead, eat the muffin...but when you feel guilty later, and you skip the gym...and you're dissapointed with your results, and you beat yourself up about it and eat ANOTHER muffin to feel better...I hope you realized, you haven't learned anything...in the past, oh, 4 years!"

"Or you can just NOT EAT THE MUFFIN...and keep moving forward, hit the gym, sleep like a rock and not let your emotions take over!!"

This converstation in my head seemed to work. Yeah, I STILL want the muffin but my WANTS got me here: chubby, uncomfortable, and full of insecurities. They surely didn't get me a set of visible abs, nope...not even close.

It's all about choices kids,
each day
each moment
some are hard
and some are simple
but simple *bad* choices add up
to bigger bad choices.

Throw a tiny pebble in a pond....and watch the ripples. That's what's happening when you say...just this once. Your brain starts thinking "this once...pfff...it'll work again", and that it does...until it's gone too far and you're heavy and miserable living in your own body.

I'm not going to get all woo-woo spiritual squishy right now, but really stop and think about the time that you've wasted "trying" to get there. There can be anywhere you want to be. The whole time you're thinking about it, you're not seeing the NOW. You are so engrossed in these dreams, and day dreams that you didn't stop to live. Once you finally get to that place - you won't know how to appreciate it - because you'll just be trying to get somewhere else.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to stop and smell the roses, not the muffins. I just know I have to enjoy this journey, because once it's over...I'll never want to look back and think "I shouldn't have had that muffin". Instead, I want to look back and think "I did it...one defeated muffin at a time"



Get it Tight, Get it Right.

I LOVE physique competitions - plain and simple. I love seeing how each competitor puts themselves together from the endless hours in the gym, to suit detail and stage presentation that comes through photos.
I have MAD RESPECT for anyone that can get up on that stage with confidence in a teeny tiny bikini, and strut their stuff knowing that there will be a million +1 eyes on them - not just on stage, but off.

Which brings me to my favorite thing to do - ANALYZE contestant photos - from first place to last there is a reason each and every girl is on that stage. Whether they've won their first NQ, or they have been competing on the National stage for years there is always something that's great about their physique. With the good, comes the bad as well - there are girls with no experience and it shows. Not only does it come down to getting your physique the way the judges want it, but hair and makeup as well.

So after Team Universe, I'm going through photos and here are some things I'm noticing - good and bad.
**Disclaimer ** If I offend ANYONE that is not my intention. My hopes is to bring certain aspects to light something each girl missed or simply overlooked, or was completely unaware of, and take it with a grain of salt because I have NEVER competed before - but I have been eyes on since '06 so in my head I know what I'm talking about (and most of you may or may not agree) and it's the biggest reason I WON'T get on that stage until I LOOK like I belong there.This is why my blog revolves around opinions, and not scientific fact unless otherwise noted.

I have NO CLUE who most of these girls are because I can only use BB.com and they don't have all their names linked to photos - with that said, it'll be interesting to see how high some of these girls placed.

Class B - This girl has GREAT LINES and reminds me of Alicia Harris' build but is softer - I think she nailed the leaness the judges were looking for in the lower body. Her arms are proportionate - there are some girls with overpowering triceps that take away from shoulder definition but her arms have the leanness without the bulk. From the backside, her tie in could use just a little more tightening up but overall presentation is on spot - suit color, hair and jewlery. 8/10

Class A - Here's the whole leanness thing which is a problem with women - the upper body strings out before the lower body can catch up. This is why IFBB pro's are just that...professionals. I can't imagine how hard it is to get your legs to come in at 12 weeks of dieting. The key here for most is plyo plyo, lay off the heavy weights and GET OFF THE TREADMILL unless you're doing intervals with plyo inbetween sprints.

Beautiful girl, great suit just unbalanced.

Holy legs batman...this girl has some WHEELS. Great physique, would like to see a little bit tighter in the legs but overall she has a very BALANCED look which seems to be what the judges favor. No extremes in musculatiry, or softness - just a nice balance. Also, if she wasn't turning in this picture I think it would show her off better. Her left arm is a little behind which doesn't make her look as full in the shoulders as she is.

What do you guys think about the above? Agree or disagree?

This is only a few of the girls, I haven't had time to look through many photos yet - but so far, these shorter girls are on their game.

Tall ladies up next...

Can I has sleep prease?

Yesterday...at work..that was me. I could NOT keep my eyes open and read my homework. I was struggling sooo hard. On my walk home, I stopped to potty and seriously almost passed out.

The past few days I have been EXHAUSTED. I seriously am beginning to worry because I think I'm getting enough sleep - around 6-7 hours at the most. I just don't feel like I'm "sleeping" well. It stinks.

So my workouts have been non-existent because my only way to sleep is to NOT WORKOUT. I don't like working out if I feel like I'm getting sick, and my exhaustion is telling me that something might be on the way.

Then today, I realized...sleeping in isn't doing me any good. Maybe I really do need to hit the gym, and sleep in on my off day. I think my body is thinking "hmm..well if I act tired, and she doesn't workout...I get to lay in bed...so lets keep this whole feeling like crap thing up."

You can't fool me...

How much do you guys sleep a night?

Today I'm finally buckling down to put a diet together. I HATE going to the chow hall and wandering around looking for something to eat....that I want to eat. It's better for me to plan my times, and meals out...that way my eyeballs don't lead me over to the eggroll section...AKA fried foods. Serious fatty pants over here wants egg rolls and pad thai so bad. OMG...pad thai..........
.....
.....
....
foood boner.

Okay, enough of that. I can't believe I have to wait 3 more months for PAD THAI. Damnit!!!

My hubs and I changed our workouts too - now it's 3 BW crossfit workouts a week, and 3 supplemental lifting days, so I'll post that on the workout section of the blog...along with my nutrition since I've been slacking...

I'm off to torture my eyeballs some more and read my boring Sociology book. YAY!

No...excuses?

Hope everyone's 4th of July was as exciting as mine (see above ^^)

Everything in this hott desert is going the same as it did yesterday, with the exception of me finally buckling down to do homework and getting to the gym after 2 days off of excuses.

I know, I know...didn't we talk about this already.

I've had a crazy couple of days, for excuse #1. For #2, I've just been tired...but here, I'm always tired. So that shouldn't be an excuse.

I made a promise to myself to start working on my DISCIPLINE.
Now, for a little lesson thanks to dictionary.com

DISCIPLINE is an activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill
another addition to that is
training, whether physical, mental, or moral

Yes.

This is my purpose here. Physical, mental, moral and spiritual training. I am NOT very disciplined, and haven't been - EVER. I said it. It feels good to get it off my chest, but I WANT to be disciplined. I want to be strong in ALL aspects of my being. I WANT to be consistently good at LIVING my life the way I want to, and not just dreaming and thinking "I wish I would do that..."

It seems so silly to think that all this time I've been living in my head, layered by my insecurities, my emotions, and my fear of judgement that I have purposefully trapped myself in this asylum of "I wish". It's not who I FEEL like I am deep down inside.

There's a person who I let into my life, who betrayed me in that sense. The story is, he made himself look like someone he wasn't - told me everything I wanted to hear, to believe that he was going to change his life around and become somebody that someday others would look up to. Well, he made ME believe that he was positive, motivated, honest and dedicated - only to my dismay, did after things fall through did I see that I was just a pawn in his game of chess. He used me, and my husband to get what he wanted - and bounced. The sad thing is, the whole time he was pretending to be someone he's not - it never dawned on him that those little lies, add up to bigger ones, then it takes bigger lies to cover them up. He never stopped to BE the person he was talking about, and will sadly...probably never become the person he wants to be the most.

I DON'T want to be that, and although my way of living is much different - I still feel like I'm in a struggle to be the person I want to become. There's this Buddhist way of thinking that says to take the path of least resistance, that when it's right....it's like water flowing down a stream, completely effortless. I KNOW I create this struggle by RESISTING these wishes that I have. I am creating the resistance by making excuses, and ignoring my true desires. It's not that we're not cut out for it because it's difficult....it's simply that we sometimes get in our own way to avoid the present action versus the future outcome. Now, granted...I believe if you don't love what you're doing - then the goal probably isn't in your best interest but now that I've come this far...I love it.

It's such a warm, happy feeling inside when I step in the gym - and leave all the stress of deploying, and all the anxiety that comes with it at the door. I feel like superwoman in the gym, and my only kryptonite is my fat alter ego who wants the instant gratification of defeating my fit self.  

Oh, the joys of blogging your feelings and thoughts on the internet for all to see. Hopefully, this helps someone. Can I get an AMEN?

Onto other things, the whole point of no excuses came from the fact that I will probably end up working a few 15 and 16 hour days in the near future. Talk about CRAPPY...because at this point in the game, I'm having a hard time functioning on less than 6 hours of sleep. I thought about it, and only let myself mull over it for a good hour or so...and then thought...I can let it make, or break me. 

The choice is mine. 

I can say "well, I didn't sleep...so I'm tired...because I'm tired, I won't workout...and because I didn't workout, I can cheat on my diet...and because I cheated, well I guess I'll feel guilty."


OR I can say "well, I didn't sleep...and although I'm tired, I know getting to the gym will make me feel better...and because I worked out, I'm going to eat healthy and maintain this discipline...and thanks to staying on track, I won't have to feel guilty about it...and I can always get more sleep...on the plane ride home (in a few months lol)"

In essence, I am rewiring my brain and looking at it as an opportunity to EXCEED instead of thinking I'm DOOMED to failure. It's amazing what a little perspective can give you.

Hopefully all this "perspective" will give me a body like hers (too bad body rock TV is BANNED too - thank you military for severely limiting my INSPIRATION due to "provocative attire"...)!

Luckily I have the common sense to know that those abs don't come without busting bootey in the gym, and eating clean...99.9% of the time. Goodbye Oreo's and helloooo carrot sticks - I say this with joy.

Happy Holiday; Don't read this if you're allergic...

...to pictures of ridiculously amazing looking food. Or if you may end up cheating on your diet because of it.
You can't say I didn't warn you.
Now, proceed.

Happy Independance Day!

I hope all of you are enjoying a *day off* and time with loved ones.

I'm not going to get all mushy, and be like "I'm deployed on the 4th of July and want all this praise" because I don't. I can't see myself doing anything else (except having a bakery, seriously I wish I was kidding...but all I want to do is bake when I get home) so don't thank me, thank your older veterans, thank the wives and husbands of those who sacrificed themselves, but don't thank me - I'm just doing my job, just like everyone else. I know the risk, and I accept it and it's all worth it in the end. Freedom is a beautiful thing. *le sigh* Now, if only I could get a day off and SLEEP IN. Maybe I would be more of a beautiful thing if I didn't have bags under my eyes, and frizzy ass hair every day (because you can't order harispray over here!!)

So today, aside from doing a blog overhaul - expect to see me around more. I spend most of my day in a big building alone, so I really need an outlet and things to keep me busy. Fitness, and health is my passion - and after going over it in my head a few times, it's the one thing that I think is missing from most people's lives. Not fitness, but passion. I love talking about it, writing about it, and now..for the first time in my life, DOING IT. Yep, I have sacrificed myself to the fitness gods. No longer am I resisting the no pain, no gain mentality. I'm embracing it, like my alter ego would a big double chocolate chip cookie right now...

Sorry for those of you about to step on stage...I'm sorry you had to see that.

My alter ego? It's true. We all have one - actually I think I have two. One side is logical, intellectual and fit. The other is emotional, self-gratifying and fat. They battle it out in my head, but now more than ever...my FIT BRAIN is winning...and that's because I want it to but that's a story for another day.

Going back to the picture above, you have GOT to be kidding me that I have access to a website called "foodporndaily" but I can't get to fitness websites for "provocative attire". There's nothing in the URL that screams - PORN PORN PORN, but I guess the word PORN added with FOOD doesn't throw any red flags (and probably thanks to this post, my blog will come up when everyone searches for PORN...sorry dudes, real sorry to dissapoint). Do NOT go to that website, unless you want a food boner. I said it, but it's so true..that and some DROOL on your face.

I'll have to update on my progress tomorrow, because I forgot my chart...along with my brain, back in my room. I've had a very strange past couple of days.

Pants don't lie, but people do.

The weather here is NOT COOL.
Literally,
Out bathroom is outside, and I'm not even kidding when I say it's just too hot to pee.
I would drink more water if I didn't have to walk to go to the bathroom...
Pathetic, I know.

and holy back pain today batman.
I did some heavy deadlifts the other day, and my back tubes are killing me.
The husband and I have re-named the erector spinae back tubes...simply because, that's what they look like
when you're ripped...

One month down, and three more to go.
I'm feeling pretty darn good after giving myself a little pep talk,
and reminding myself that people actually want me to fail.
Thanks for the comments BTW, I can't comment on anything which sucks.

I'm not really the type of person who thinks people are "out to get me"
but how many times have you guys just FELT that there are actually people
betting against you?
There are those that DOUBT your abilities, without even knowing you!

I don't think anyone can truly understand military life, and the high-school drama without being in it.
The biggest problem, especially when you're deployed, is there are people that come and go.
While most people take that as an opportunity to make friends and network, I have learned too many
valuable lessons about people's true motives in the military. There are very few who are actually out to help others. Everyone else is in it for themselves - they put people down to take the pressure and blame off them, they ignore their own sub-par performance and critizize others, they're nosy and dramatic, self-centered and petty - they only want to get to know you, so they have someone else to talk about.
I could go on forever...

I know those of you who don't have experience with the military lifestyle can probably relate to the same type of drama in your workplace.
The whole "why do you eat so healthy?", "why are you always working out"....
that kind of stuff really gets under my skin.
Because...WHY THE HELL SHOULDN'T I?
Because it's different, abnormal, or weird? - I'm not your average bear okay!!
I'm a total nerd, a science geek, a wiz kid..whatever you want to call me.
So naturally, the human body - my body, is my biggest experiment and I love doing what I do.
DAMN...

I feel better.

I was thinking about starting to track virtually everything on here for the last 3 months, and I think I'll be able to for a good while. I always say I want to look back on something, and have a record of what works and what doesn't...I just haven't decided if it will be public or private yet. Also, it's kind of hard being deployed with limited access to EVERYTHING.

Oh, and I PROMISE to take some pictures soon...
seriously, I'm terrible at this.

Did I mention I haven't lost a pound yet.
Totally over it, I'm leaner..my pants are falling off...seriously..
So screw the scale, all it does is make me mad.


Pants don't lie.
Unless they're stretch pants...
then, you probably shouldn't be using them to guage your progress...